i value my freedom to speak in certain places.|
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|Thursday, March 16th, 2006|
|For Randomposting & anyone else interested
I must assume this is all Chief Seattle because I now know a part of it is, thanks to randomposting. Here's what is on my cd, put to music, but quite understandable.
Every part of this earth is sacred to us. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clearing, and humming insect is holy in the memory and experience of our people. The sap which courses through the trees carries the memories of our people. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The deer, the horse, the great eagle; these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices of the meadows, the body heat of the pony, and humans all belong to the same family. This shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. You must teach your children that it is sacred, and that each ghostly reflection in the clear water of the lake tells of events and memories in the life of our people. The water's murmur is the voice of our father's father. The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. The rivers carry us, and feed our children. You must remember and teach your children that the rivers are our brothers and yours, and you must henceforth give the rivers the kindness you would give any relative.
The air is precious for all things share the same breath; the animals, the trees, humans. They all share the same breath. You must remember that the air is precious to us, and the air shares it's spirit with the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh, and the wind must also give our children the spirit of life. You must keep it apart and sacred as a place to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadows flowers.
What are humans without the animals? If all the animals were gone, we would die from a great loneliness of spirit. For whatever happens to the animals soon happens to us. All things are connected. You must teach your children that the ground beneath thier feet is the ashes of our grandfathers so that they will respect the land. Tell your children that the earth is rich with the life of our kin. Teach your children what we have taught our children, that the earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls the sons of the earth. If we spit in the ground, we spit upon ourselves. This we learn. The earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth. All things are connected, like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls us. We did not weave the web of life. We are merely a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. This earth is precious to the creator, and to harm the earth is to heap contempt upon it's creator. When the buffalo are all slaughtered, and the wild horses are tamed, the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many humans, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by (can't understand); where is the thicket - gone, where is the eagle - gone, and what is it to say goodbye to clean air and water; the end of living and the beginning of survival.
|Tuesday, March 14th, 2006|
|life is strange...
Hi. Well, I'm selling out. My health has forced me to. I'm going to go to school for a five year degree in accountancy. It's actually only nine full semesters at NDSU, the only school in the area that offers so much. Then I will become a CPA. I need to make money, a lot of it, and I'm tired of all these unskilled job types I've had. I want a marketable skill. I want a sure job. I want to be my own damn boss, or at least close to it. I'm motivated by need, utter dissatisfaction, and the knowledge that in the future, I won't ever again have to spend hours and days of my life trying to find a job I can live on ($), a job I might be underqualified for, but will have to convince them I'll be a quick study for. I don't know if these are the best reasons to choose a career from, but believe me, I AM motivated by them. I'm not really sure what Nate thinks about it. I know he wants me to go to school; he's all for that, but he keeps saying I might change my mind and decide to go for chemistry or physics once I've started. I hope he isn't disappointed when I don't do that. I want a sure job! There are so many accounting positions open in Fargo alone. It's going to be such a relief to be able to go from one job to another, easily, if it isn't working out somewhere.
Also, I really have a lot of work to do on myself. I thought I could fix the damage by myself, but I think I need a guide; there's just been too much damage and too much of me destroyed, so I'm going to seek help. I've gotten pretty far, obviously. I have the confidence to go to school now, but I'm really scared about it. I've always done well with everything I've tried, and I'll have Nate beside me, but still I'm scared.
I'm scared to drive too, but I need to do it.
|Friday, March 3rd, 2006|
I couldn't take the constant, unending abuse any longer, so I quit. I'm very happy I did. I loved the job itself, not the one person I had to work directly under, and directly with every day, my supervisor, but there are other things out there, and I shall find them. I'll be alright. Almost to let me know I did the right thing, after I quit, little white hail/snow came down upon me, reminding me how very influencial the water that makes us is, to the negatives and positives in our environment; the sights, sounds, words, accusations, compliments... It all affects us in very physical ways. More later.. Tired. Current Mood: alright
|Tuesday, February 7th, 2006|
It's not this Wed. Oops. It's the 15th. That is maybe better notice anyway. Na, try to get the 20th off, or at least get off early for a 7:30 trio of violin, cello, and piano. You're the one who told me about this a couple months ago. It's at Concordia. It's a Monday. Hope you can swing it.
That is all for now.
|Sunday, February 5th, 2006|
|concerts and random thoughts
Wow, wow, wooooowwwww! What a start to a day! I have been going to a lot of concerts, in fact three this weekend, but today's was the best since the requiem. I was so invigorated by it. An hour flew by, and it was over all too quickly. It was three quartets by Mozart today. They all consisted of a cello, high violin, and low violin. The first had a flute with these three, the second an oboe, and the third a piano. Man, it was good!
Last weekend's NEA jazz concert was excellent too. The Big Band and Slide Hampton were at the Fargo theater. Those guys were having such a good time. That was fun!
Have you ever noticed that musicians tend to all be thin? From rock bands at the bars, to all the classical musicians I've recently seen. I noticed that a few years ago, and it has remained my impression ever since. I have a musician friend who is getting pretty fat, but he isn't into the music as much as he used to be, in fact at all, and I think that is why. I'm not saying they are all skinny, (a lot are), but just relatively thin, relative to the rest of America anyway.
You know, the three girls at work who give me the most shit for being skinny could lose a combined total of about 250 lbs. and still be fat. Have I ever given one fat person shit for being fat? No, and I wouldn't. The reason they give me shit is because, the truth is, I'm not skinny, I'm thin. I feel I'm just right, and everybody hates it when somebody feels that way about themselves, like it's against the rules to think well about yourself. No, everybody has to have an inferiority complex, or they're conceited. Dumb. I'm not conceited because I do not expect anybody to agree with me. Can't I feel good about myself without being conceited? Sure. I wish everybody felt good about themselves. The truth is, I know that there are going to be people out there, who'd take one look at me, and say, "Ooooohh, UGLY." It doesn't bother me one bit though. The problem is that people think it should. You can think whatever you want to think, but I'm going to see a pretty girl in the mirror, whether you do or not. I would never say I had to be beautiful to everybody, or even a lot of people. Nobody is. There's a girl at work who actually thinks Lindsey Lohan is ugly. Crazy. Man, that girl is a natural beauty, but the saying goes, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and it's true. I digress. What I tell the one single chick who gives me shit, is that it doesn't matter to a guy what you weigh. Well, it matters to a lot of them, but it matters both ways. Some guys will never date a girl unless she's at least fifty pounds overweight, (I never mention any numbers to her, by the way), some like girls to be thin, and some like girls in between somewhere, but there are just as many of all these kinds. Yes, she's looking for a guy, and unfortunately fighting a losing battle with her weight. Yes, it's hard on the heart to have that much excess weight, but she is so healthy, that she drinks and smokes, and doesn't even cough or have a runny nose. These three things together are a recipe for heart problems, definitely, but that's not why she wants to lose the weight.
Next Wednesday, at 4:15 is a band concert at Concordia. Anybody who wants to go, let me know,.. Nate. ^_^ Current Mood: damn GOOD!
|Friday, January 27th, 2006|
I can totally take it. I clutched my head and made noises for a few minutes, but then, when it's going away, you know, a sort of calm comes over you, and it's been easier to fall asleep afterwards. I feel really relaxed now. They really make it pretty easy too. The needle is extremely sharp. It goes in easily and painlessly. It's just pushing the meds in afterwards that takes some guts.
|music - Mozart, Korn, Dan Phillips
Hi again. I've been doing very fun things. I went to see Mozart's requiem played, and within about twenty seconds I was crying. It was SO beautiful. He knew he was dying, of course, and maybe that was why it affected me so much, because the next Mozart symphony I attended didn't move me like that one. It was good, of course, and I'm glad I went, but it wasn't the requiem, I mean the sadness he felt at the ending of his life was so evident. Very, very cool. Jazz day rocked too. I got up after only four hours of sleep for it, and believe me, it has never been so hard, ever. I have two theories as to why that is, even though the scientists haven't put these things together. They just say they don't know why the exhaustion happens, it just Happens to 80% w/ms. I'm not content with that, so I study. So JAZZ day! Free jazz from 10am till 3:30pm, with complimentary pizza and water for an hour around noon, then two and a half more hours at the Hotel Donaldson that night, the non-smoky part. Everybody there was drinking beer or wine. Man I wanted to have a beer or some wine, or at least someone to be there with, at least during their half hour break in between sets. So far I've been alone at each event, but now I found out Brett, an old friend, will go with me. Cool. LOTS more coming up! On April 1st it's percussion day, where they'll most likely give out lots of awesome information like they did at jazz day, but I don't think I can go to that one. Korn is going to be in Minneapolis that day. I do believe I will Have to go to that! I haven't even heard their newest album, dammit, but I love everything else they have put out. Talk about serious feeling in artists; pain and anger that are very real! I love anything that will make me think, feel strongly, or both; in movies, music, art, people, whatever. The jazz wasn't all that way for me, but a few pieces were. I would never have thought four saxophones, alone, could sound so good together. I liked the Thelonious Monk the group with one sax., one guitar, one drummer, and one upright bass played at the Hodo, and I liked Dan Phillip's originals. I have now seen several living jazz composers play. I just have dead people on cd.
When I said I like to feel strongly, I do, but not physical pain, no not pain so much. Yes, I've crossed that line so close in the brain from pain to pleasure, but the meds I'm taking don't go to pleasure, it's just pure pain. And I mean PAIN. Hard to breathe, it's so excruciating for about five minutes, then it just becomes simply painful. Uh. It's time. That's the next thing in my day about this time. It's OK. I have Korn on and maybe it'll distract me some from the pain huh? Current Mood: feelin' groovy
|Tuesday, January 10th, 2006|
Yes, quotes and random thoughts. Good stuff my people's.
Here's a great quote Random reminded me of.
"What is it to say goodbye to clean air and water; the end of living and the beginning of survival."
I now know that's Chief Seattle. Thanks! The whole thing is awesome! I should get it all down from my cd and put it here.
Maybe I'll check out Glory again. I was probably messed up on something when I saw it before.
This Saturday is Jazz day, All day! ^_^ It better be good jazz and not that crap they call jazz on our "jazz" station, or that crap that just sweeps the notes in order, up and down; CRAP! I'd like to hear stuff like Sun Ra did, or Thelonious Monk, maybe even John Coltraine or Billy Strayhorn type stuff. I'm excited! This is part of my New Years Resolution. I'm going to enjoy myself more, go to more things that interest me, like symphonies and kick butt lectures. Yeeeah. It'd be pretty cool if they had an electronica day. There Is also a percussion day! That's going to Rock, I'm sure! Current Mood: happy
|Saturday, January 7th, 2006|
It's alright. Ignore the last post. I had just been feeling sorry for myself for a couple days. Yah, just some "poor me" crap. Self pity is the soul killer, and certainly isn't going to help me perform the miracle of curing my degradation. Sleep will help though.
|I buy faulty broken shit because it's me.
I have the worst damn luck. Last weekend, I was planning on spending 30+ hours on the net. Right after I got on-line on Saturday, it died on me. My phone died too. I went to work and called qwest who wasn't there, and I knew wouldn't be until Tuesday, so I had nothing all of my three day weekend. Finally on Tuesday I tried to get internet back, and had to get someone out to fix it. Wednesday, the dude came by after I'd gone to work, and said the problem was in my house, so another night without internet, (although I stole a minute at work and found out I was supposed to have a movie waiting in my mailbox when I got home), and it wasn't there, of course. I got some luck on Thursday. The dude came by as I requested, Before I had to go to work. He woke me up, but I didn't care about that. That was a given in my mind. I sleep as much as I fucking can lately. I'm always exhausted (another reason I like not having to live with the sprightly, healthy man). Then, it turned out that because my building is so old that I couldn't have tested my line if I wanted to, he didn't think it was right to charge me the $85. Cool. Then it turned out that what was wrong was actually the jack they gave me to put on the wall over my wall jack. He said he'd never seen that before, then I told him, that was just my luck. The phone I bought from wal-mart was broken; new, right off the shelves, but broken. I couldn't take it back either, because I didn't have a receipt. The next phone I got, worked just fine for my brother, but when it came into my house, it broke, of course. So, no, it didn't surprise me at all that the new piece they gave me was faulty and finally died a month later. The good thing is that I found out about some service for like a buck a month, so that later when I have problems, they'll be covered.
I called the Dr. and he said, all my recent problems are probably due to my being overly tired. That can cause things to reappear, because of course, they never really went away. I see the logic, but I don't know though. I slept for twelve hours today, and I was still seeing double. There's nothing that can be done if I am having another relapse either. The steroids don't help stop the progression of the disease, they just help calm the inflamation, which tends to help symptoms. There's nothing that can really be done. I talked to this stupid nurse sho crushed all my hopes, and told me there's never been anyone who has been cured. They may not have symptoms, she said, but they're still losing brain matter. I said, no symptoms would be good enough for me, but really it isn't. I'm damn pissed that the one lesion I have has only gotten bigger and will only keep getting bigger. It's one that doesn't turn off, ever. So now I have a golf ball sized hole in the left side of my brain, my logical side, and that's grown over a year and a half to two years. What am I going to be in five years? If it's slow, I may not have too many symptoms right away because other parts of my brain can learn and take over, but there's only so much brain to lose, so much brain that can learn what other parts did. And that crap about us only using 5 to 10% of our brains is Bull.
I got this stupid shit in the mail too. It said, "[God] never gives us more than what we can handle." Horseshit! How do those stupid asses explain suicide then? I think it's our right. We live for ourselves, not anyone else, and if we are living for someone else, so that they don't get sad when we die, how twisted is that? The jerks who are keeping a person from making the decision that should only have to do with themselves, should feel ashamed.
"Everyone has their cross to bear." Sure, yes, I agree, everyone who lives has a lot of hell to deal with. If a person can be happy, that's amazing! Excellent for them. What if a person is thrown a cross to bear every time they turn the fuck around? What if they lived through hell as a child thinking things would be better once they left hell, only to find that every time they thought they had something good, it was a damn mirage. A soul mate who loved being with me, long over-due health that I wrote about only just last Sept., a house, a garden with nice black dirt, a cute little bird that talked like crazy, aaaall gone. I'm just doomed. Where's the yin/yang I heard about as a kid? I thought life was supposed to be balanced. It doesn't seem to be.
I'll be better soon. I just have to start writing all the things I'm grateful for in a little diary. I will. Should probably start today. Current Mood: like I live in fucking hell
|Wednesday, December 28th, 2005|
|mercury poisoning, pot, chess, research, strength, deletions, etc.
1. I OK with the loss of normal vision in my one eye, have been for a little while.
2. I'm getting my amalgums removed. No more of the second most toxic element on earth
besides plutonium, linked to ms among other things, for me. One broken mercury
thermometer is enough to pollute a small lake, there are laws about the disposal
of anything with mercury in it, and yet it's in my mouth. It can cause every
problem I have, including the two problems, ms and allergies, blamed for most, but
not all of my problems.
3. I'm taking supplements.. like crazy.
4. Gave up almost all sugar from my diet, alcohol, and half-way through 2004, pot, although
I miss that, and if it's ever legalized I'll grow my own and eat it since I can't
smoke it. The "healer of nations" is a really wonderful thing for a lot of people.
5. I'd like to find someone to play chess with.
6. Got myself a netflicks account. It's going to rock.
7. I read and do research just about every day. It's every day if you include off-topic
things. It's so much fun that I haven't been listening to much music lately. How crazy
8. Want next year to be my first truely healthy year.
9. I'm in a happy mode right now, and maybe I am stronger than I used to be, because I don't
really care what people are going to think about what I'm going to say, like I did
when I hid most of my lj posts a while back when the war monger was elected, or
even a few weeks ago, when I decided to get my amalgums removed but didn't want
Nebish to know, because I figured he might chastise me. We'll just see, I guess,
but one thing is for sure. It doesn't matter one bit! He can chastise if he
wants to, and I know he loves me, and I hope he knows I love him, but it's not
going to sway me from my course. I'm very glad he left me. Current Mood: positive
|Monday, December 26th, 2005|
This place is too fun to stay away. Speaking of this place, anybody who reads my lj, go and check out randomposting's post on Dr.'s quotes about their patients. Dec. 25th. I laughed so hard, I was tearing up. It took me a while to get through all of them because I was laughing so hard. Oh, it's great!
I didn't have to leave my house again today, so I was happy about that. My brother tried to get me to go to his place, waking me up after I'd had four hours of sleep, and demanding that I go to watch.. of all things.. football.. with his girlfriend and numerous friends who're all like him. Heh, no thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He walked in and if we had been in an enclosed hallway and he walked in one door and I walked in at the opposite end, even if we were 100 feet apart I could have smelled his perfume. Man, that boy loves perfume, and I always call it that, which he doesn't like, so I love to do it. It made me pretty sick for awhile too. No doubt I'd be sick for a couple days if I'd gone to his house while he and a bunch of his friends were wearing that much crap. So, yes, I was very glad to be a loner today. I also got a few more hours of sleep. I've really got to try to get to sleep before 10am, which is a bit crazy, I know. So, I guess I'll try that now. The sun hasn't come up yet, so there's that improvement if I can actually fall asleep. Current Mood: thankful
|Saturday, December 24th, 2005|
|devil's advocate, the slaughtered
I think I need a break from livejournal for awhile.
My newest friend, you are very cool, and thanks for accepting me. I'm so used to having people become angry with me for expressing my controversial viewpoints that I pretty much don't do it anymore. I think expressing myself was probably one of the reasons I had to leave my last job. Although, they were all rich, hypocritical, conservatives who really liked to hate people, so there wasn't going to be much hope of us getting along if we actually got to know each other at all anyway. So thanks, because I think I found someone who will actually agree with me sometimes, and when not agreeing, won't hate me or blow up at me, but instead just play one of my favorite games, devil's advocate. ^_^
See you all in a bit.
Modern medicine may have saved my life a few times, but if it weren't for modern living, I wouldn't have needed it. I could go on, but right now, I just don't feel like it.
This has been the third worst start to a weekend in the last 2 1/2 months. I hate it when people don't understand me, and I hate it more when they don't understand me and yet that's the only time they'll bother talking to me, even though I've told them, that they are one of my three best friends. I thought so anyway, but if they don't know me any better than that, well, I guess I don't really know. Current Mood: bummed
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2005|
|the odd union
Things are getting beeeeetterrr. It looks like the love of my life misses me, and wants to spend time with me more often. This is cool. What is also cool is the fact that I don't need him to. I have been thinking over the last couple weeks that, 8-D, I really really like my freedom! Oh, Yah, Baby, I really really do! I like having my freedom to do whatever I want to with my money, which of course I've always had, but now I have some things I feel I need, and I Don't want to discuss it with anybody. I just want to get those things and be healthy. I had thought his timing was shit before, but now, I think it was perfect, because, of course, I need to concentrate on my own problems, and not Nate, in any way, shape, or form. Not yet anyway. That would have been impossible with me still at the house trying to make him be happy with me. :-p I'm very glad things are the way they are. I would be terribly upset if we weren't still hanging out, of course, and it took me awhile to get used to not seeing him every day, but now I'm quite alright with it, and I don't want him to feel bad at all about not wanting me to be at home with him, because I don't want to be there either. ^_^ I love him more than I love anyone else, but I do like us being together yet separate.
|Monday, December 12th, 2005|
|There Is a cure!
I just read about three, (THREE) people who cured themselves of multiple sclerosis. I wonder why I didn't see those sites while I was doing all that research before. I've looked at hundreds of websites about everything from excitotoxicity to formic acid and formaldehyde production from sugar, etc., and what that can cause. Anyway, all I have to do is drastically change my diet, take a whole bunch of supplements and I'm cured. ^_^
|Friday, December 9th, 2005|
|been on caffeine all week
The layer of ice on every branch of every tree is really pretty in the street lights. I never thought walking outside for just a few minutes each way, to and from work would hurt so much. I guess it doesn't hurt so much if I keep my hands over my face, and only allow the stinging cold on my eyes, but still, by the time I get to work, my eyes are pouring water, and my nose is too. It's alright though. I'm tough.
My parents call me every day... *blank face* I care about my father in the same way I care about any person on the planet who is lost and knows very little, and who must be encouraged in any small goodness the individual can show or offer to the world. So, I talk to him, show him respect, and pretend to care personally about the affection he is showing me, even though, oh, it really is a job. I wish the goodness that he was exhibiting in the world was not aimed at me, but that is the goodness I'm talking about. I care that it is a positive thing he is feeling, but not what it actually is. There is absolutely no personal connection I feel to him at all, but I pretend there is. I think it might hurt him to know I don't feel that way about him. My mom; that's a different story. I have a personal attachment to her. She's a very sweet person, and I care more about her than just anybody off the street, but still I don't exactly see the need to call me every single day. Well, I guess they're waiting until I lie and tell them I got it all back.
But I'm never going to get it all back. That's the way it is. I had a hole larger than a quarter around, and that's never going to come back. My memory is shot. My left eye is shot to hell. My right hand shakes. There's other crap, but do I tell this stuff to my parents? No. I don't. Well, I tell them about my eye and that my face is still numb, and I still can't taste much, but none of the other bigger stuff like my bladder not working properly and shit. Yah, now I'm happy. :-\
OK. Here it goes. I'm glad I got my balance back. I'm glad for the redundancy of the brain, that parts of my brain are taking over where other parts have died, and therefore I can talk, type, and remember a bit more than I could before. I'm positive that I may still get some more eyesight back. I read it can take up to 12 weeks, and it's only been about three weeks since the first improvement there, and just because nothing has happened over the last two, doesn't mean it won't continue still. Just right now, my brain's energy is more focused on teaching another part of my brain how to remember stuff. Yah. That's it. My memory Is getting better. Lord.. I've got to go to sleep. Current Mood: tired
|Saturday, December 3rd, 2005|
One more thing I'm grateful for: our house was without power for five days and four nights, and our pipes never burst. Yay.
Hey, I've learned a few things over the years. I know how to be happy. You've got to be grateful. So here it goes. I'm grateful that I sleep through loud noises; that Nate loves me; that my family loves me; that I still have one eye and that it had always been the better of the two; that I can walk, talk, and type again; that there's something I can do (copaxone shots), unlike only eight years ago; that I was born with a beautiful singing voice; that I was born with a lovely brain to lose; that I'm not an alcoholic (I won't miss it as much); that when I go to work they are happy to see me; that I was born beautiful; that I found Nate at all; that I have a good paying job, as well as one that has a good mission, and that there aren't many noxious chemicals I have to be around daily; that it is a clean environment I work in; that I live in a country where I live as I want to, And As a Woman the way I want to; that I have internet access; that I live in a country where I can get anything my heart desires, like copaxone, all the many pills I now need (B complex, fish oil, etc.), quinoa, millet, sushi, dvds, oatmeal, thai food, food from all over the globe, art, water filters, music, books, and sooooo many other things; that I live in a college town filled with symphonies, art, plays, and good people; that I have two homes, one in Fargo, and one in Wolverton where you can see the stars and the northern lights, and take walks with your lovey while you watch the meteor shower, or watch the sunrise, or the frogs hopping around, or the light refracting off the beauty of ice crystals all around on the ground, and hey, I can enjoy that alone too, and a few of them here in Fargo, and sometimes all of them here in Fargo. I do enjoy living.
8-D I'm happy now. I was already happy, of course, or I could never have thought of so many things, but I'm even happier now. I'm happy about a few other things too. Tomorrow, I have the day off for one thing, I'm going to get more excellent Thai food with two excellent people for another, and Nate just joined a book club and got me a book from it already. It's nice to be thought of. It's a book on psychic powers, something of interest to me. There's a large section on healing I'm going to read first. Also, I did something a little crazy for me. I've never spent so much money on my own before. I spent over $400 on art. It's going to be beautiful in here though. Current Mood: grateful
|Monday, November 28th, 2005|
Nathan! Contact me ASAP! Let me know you're alive, and that you didn't drive from Middle River in this blizzard! Or that you made it home despite driving in this. I can't even leave a message on your phone. It's not working properly.