psilocybin mushrooms

For Randomposting & anyone else interested

I must assume this is all Chief Seattle because I now know a part of it is, thanks to randomposting. Here's what is on my cd, put to music, but quite understandable.

Every part of this earth is sacred to us. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clearing, and humming insect is holy in the memory and experience of our people. The sap which courses through the trees carries the memories of our people. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The deer, the horse, the great eagle; these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices of the meadows, the body heat of the pony, and humans all belong to the same family. This shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. You must teach your children that it is sacred, and that each ghostly reflection in the clear water of the lake tells of events and memories in the life of our people. The water's murmur is the voice of our father's father. The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. The rivers carry us, and feed our children. You must remember and teach your children that the rivers are our brothers and yours, and you must henceforth give the rivers the kindness you would give any relative.

The air is precious for all things share the same breath; the animals, the trees, humans. They all share the same breath. You must remember that the air is precious to us, and the air shares it's spirit with the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh, and the wind must also give our children the spirit of life. You must keep it apart and sacred as a place to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadows flowers.

What are humans without the animals? If all the animals were gone, we would die from a great loneliness of spirit. For whatever happens to the animals soon happens to us. All things are connected. You must teach your children that the ground beneath thier feet is the ashes of our grandfathers so that they will respect the land. Tell your children that the earth is rich with the life of our kin. Teach your children what we have taught our children, that the earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls the sons of the earth. If we spit in the ground, we spit upon ourselves. This we learn. The earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth. All things are connected, like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls us. We did not weave the web of life. We are merely a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. This earth is precious to the creator, and to harm the earth is to heap contempt upon it's creator. When the buffalo are all slaughtered, and the wild horses are tamed, the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many humans, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by (can't understand); where is the thicket - gone, where is the eagle - gone, and what is it to say goodbye to clean air and water; the end of living and the beginning of survival.
psilocybin mushrooms

life is strange...

Hi. Well, I'm selling out. My health has forced me to. I'm going to go to school for a five year degree in accountancy. It's actually only nine full semesters at NDSU, the only school in the area that offers so much. Then I will become a CPA. I need to make money, a lot of it, and I'm tired of all these unskilled job types I've had. I want a marketable skill. I want a sure job. I want to be my own damn boss, or at least close to it. I'm motivated by need, utter dissatisfaction, and the knowledge that in the future, I won't ever again have to spend hours and days of my life trying to find a job I can live on ($), a job I might be underqualified for, but will have to convince them I'll be a quick study for. I don't know if these are the best reasons to choose a career from, but believe me, I AM motivated by them. I'm not really sure what Nate thinks about it. I know he wants me to go to school; he's all for that, but he keeps saying I might change my mind and decide to go for chemistry or physics once I've started. I hope he isn't disappointed when I don't do that. I want a sure job! There are so many accounting positions open in Fargo alone. It's going to be such a relief to be able to go from one job to another, easily, if it isn't working out somewhere.

Also, I really have a lot of work to do on myself. I thought I could fix the damage by myself, but I think I need a guide; there's just been too much damage and too much of me destroyed, so I'm going to seek help. I've gotten pretty far, obviously. I have the confidence to go to school now, but I'm really scared about it. I've always done well with everything I've tried, and I'll have Nate beside me, but still I'm scared.

I'm scared to drive too, but I need to do it.
psilocybin mushrooms

I quit.

I couldn't take the constant, unending abuse any longer, so I quit. I'm very happy I did. I loved the job itself, not the one person I had to work directly under, and directly with every day, my supervisor, but there are other things out there, and I shall find them. I'll be alright. Almost to let me know I did the right thing, after I quit, little white hail/snow came down upon me, reminding me how very influencial the water that makes us is, to the negatives and positives in our environment; the sights, sounds, words, accusations, compliments... It all affects us in very physical ways. More later.. Tired.
  • Current Music
    checking out Muse
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(no subject)

It's not this Wed. Oops. It's the 15th. That is maybe better notice anyway. Na, try to get the 20th off, or at least get off early for a 7:30 trio of violin, cello, and piano. You're the one who told me about this a couple months ago. It's at Concordia. It's a Monday. Hope you can swing it.

That is all for now.
  • Current Music
    Korn
psilocybin mushrooms

concerts and random thoughts

Wow, wow, wooooowwwww! What a start to a day! I have been going to a lot of concerts, in fact three this weekend, but today's was the best since the requiem. I was so invigorated by it. An hour flew by, and it was over all too quickly. It was three quartets by Mozart today. They all consisted of a cello, high violin, and low violin. The first had a flute with these three, the second an oboe, and the third a piano. Man, it was good!

Last weekend's NEA jazz concert was excellent too. The Big Band and Slide Hampton were at the Fargo theater. Those guys were having such a good time. That was fun!

Have you ever noticed that musicians tend to all be thin? From rock bands at the bars, to all the classical musicians I've recently seen. I noticed that a few years ago, and it has remained my impression ever since. I have a musician friend who is getting pretty fat, but he isn't into the music as much as he used to be, in fact at all, and I think that is why. I'm not saying they are all skinny, (a lot are), but just relatively thin, relative to the rest of America anyway.

You know, the three girls at work who give me the most shit for being skinny could lose a combined total of about 250 lbs. and still be fat. Have I ever given one fat person shit for being fat? No, and I wouldn't. The reason they give me shit is because, the truth is, I'm not skinny, I'm thin. I feel I'm just right, and everybody hates it when somebody feels that way about themselves, like it's against the rules to think well about yourself. No, everybody has to have an inferiority complex, or they're conceited. Dumb. I'm not conceited because I do not expect anybody to agree with me. Can't I feel good about myself without being conceited? Sure. I wish everybody felt good about themselves. The truth is, I know that there are going to be people out there, who'd take one look at me, and say, "Ooooohh, UGLY." It doesn't bother me one bit though. The problem is that people think it should. You can think whatever you want to think, but I'm going to see a pretty girl in the mirror, whether you do or not. I would never say I had to be beautiful to everybody, or even a lot of people. Nobody is. There's a girl at work who actually thinks Lindsey Lohan is ugly. Crazy. Man, that girl is a natural beauty, but the saying goes, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and it's true. I digress. What I tell the one single chick who gives me shit, is that it doesn't matter to a guy what you weigh. Well, it matters to a lot of them, but it matters both ways. Some guys will never date a girl unless she's at least fifty pounds overweight, (I never mention any numbers to her, by the way), some like girls to be thin, and some like girls in between somewhere, but there are just as many of all these kinds. Yes, she's looking for a guy, and unfortunately fighting a losing battle with her weight. Yes, it's hard on the heart to have that much excess weight, but she is so healthy, that she drinks and smokes, and doesn't even cough or have a runny nose. These three things together are a recipe for heart problems, definitely, but that's not why she wants to lose the weight.

Next Wednesday, at 4:15 is a band concert at Concordia. Anybody who wants to go, let me know,.. Nate. ^_^
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails: Broken
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the pain

I can totally take it. I clutched my head and made noises for a few minutes, but then, when it's going away, you know, a sort of calm comes over you, and it's been easier to fall asleep afterwards. I feel really relaxed now. They really make it pretty easy too. The needle is extremely sharp. It goes in easily and painlessly. It's just pushing the meds in afterwards that takes some guts.
psilocybin mushrooms

music - Mozart, Korn, Dan Phillips

Hi again. I've been doing very fun things. I went to see Mozart's requiem played, and within about twenty seconds I was crying. It was SO beautiful. He knew he was dying, of course, and maybe that was why it affected me so much, because the next Mozart symphony I attended didn't move me like that one. It was good, of course, and I'm glad I went, but it wasn't the requiem, I mean the sadness he felt at the ending of his life was so evident. Very, very cool. Jazz day rocked too. I got up after only four hours of sleep for it, and believe me, it has never been so hard, ever. I have two theories as to why that is, even though the scientists haven't put these things together. They just say they don't know why the exhaustion happens, it just Happens to 80% w/ms. I'm not content with that, so I study. So JAZZ day! Free jazz from 10am till 3:30pm, with complimentary pizza and water for an hour around noon, then two and a half more hours at the Hotel Donaldson that night, the non-smoky part. Everybody there was drinking beer or wine. Man I wanted to have a beer or some wine, or at least someone to be there with, at least during their half hour break in between sets. So far I've been alone at each event, but now I found out Brett, an old friend, will go with me. Cool. LOTS more coming up! On April 1st it's percussion day, where they'll most likely give out lots of awesome information like they did at jazz day, but I don't think I can go to that one. Korn is going to be in Minneapolis that day. I do believe I will Have to go to that! I haven't even heard their newest album, dammit, but I love everything else they have put out. Talk about serious feeling in artists; pain and anger that are very real! I love anything that will make me think, feel strongly, or both; in movies, music, art, people, whatever. The jazz wasn't all that way for me, but a few pieces were. I would never have thought four saxophones, alone, could sound so good together. I liked the Thelonious Monk the group with one sax., one guitar, one drummer, and one upright bass played at the Hodo, and I liked Dan Phillip's originals. I have now seen several living jazz composers play. I just have dead people on cd.

When I said I like to feel strongly, I do, but not physical pain, no not pain so much. Yes, I've crossed that line so close in the brain from pain to pleasure, but the meds I'm taking don't go to pleasure, it's just pure pain. And I mean PAIN. Hard to breathe, it's so excruciating for about five minutes, then it just becomes simply painful. Uh. It's time. That's the next thing in my day about this time. It's OK. I have Korn on and maybe it'll distract me some from the pain huh?
  • Current Music
    Korn
psilocybin mushrooms

(no subject)

Yes, quotes and random thoughts. Good stuff my people's.

Here's a great quote Random reminded me of.
"What is it to say goodbye to clean air and water; the end of living and the beginning of survival."
I now know that's Chief Seattle. Thanks! The whole thing is awesome! I should get it all down from my cd and put it here.

Maybe I'll check out Glory again. I was probably messed up on something when I saw it before.

This Saturday is Jazz day, All day! ^_^ It better be good jazz and not that crap they call jazz on our "jazz" station, or that crap that just sweeps the notes in order, up and down; CRAP! I'd like to hear stuff like Sun Ra did, or Thelonious Monk, maybe even John Coltraine or Billy Strayhorn type stuff. I'm excited! This is part of my New Years Resolution. I'm going to enjoy myself more, go to more things that interest me, like symphonies and kick butt lectures. Yeeeah. It'd be pretty cool if they had an electronica day. There Is also a percussion day! That's going to Rock, I'm sure!
  • Current Music
    Boards of Canada (music has the right to children)
psilocybin mushrooms

(no subject)

It's alright. Ignore the last post. I had just been feeling sorry for myself for a couple days. Yah, just some "poor me" crap. Self pity is the soul killer, and certainly isn't going to help me perform the miracle of curing my degradation. Sleep will help though.
psilocybin mushrooms

I buy faulty broken shit because it's me.

I have the worst damn luck. Last weekend, I was planning on spending 30+ hours on the net. Right after I got on-line on Saturday, it died on me. My phone died too. I went to work and called qwest who wasn't there, and I knew wouldn't be until Tuesday, so I had nothing all of my three day weekend. Finally on Tuesday I tried to get internet back, and had to get someone out to fix it. Wednesday, the dude came by after I'd gone to work, and said the problem was in my house, so another night without internet, (although I stole a minute at work and found out I was supposed to have a movie waiting in my mailbox when I got home), and it wasn't there, of course. I got some luck on Thursday. The dude came by as I requested, Before I had to go to work. He woke me up, but I didn't care about that. That was a given in my mind. I sleep as much as I fucking can lately. I'm always exhausted (another reason I like not having to live with the sprightly, healthy man). Then, it turned out that because my building is so old that I couldn't have tested my line if I wanted to, he didn't think it was right to charge me the $85. Cool. Then it turned out that what was wrong was actually the jack they gave me to put on the wall over my wall jack. He said he'd never seen that before, then I told him, that was just my luck. The phone I bought from wal-mart was broken; new, right off the shelves, but broken. I couldn't take it back either, because I didn't have a receipt. The next phone I got, worked just fine for my brother, but when it came into my house, it broke, of course. So, no, it didn't surprise me at all that the new piece they gave me was faulty and finally died a month later. The good thing is that I found out about some service for like a buck a month, so that later when I have problems, they'll be covered.

I called the Dr. and he said, all my recent problems are probably due to my being overly tired. That can cause things to reappear, because of course, they never really went away. I see the logic, but I don't know though. I slept for twelve hours today, and I was still seeing double. There's nothing that can be done if I am having another relapse either. The steroids don't help stop the progression of the disease, they just help calm the inflamation, which tends to help symptoms. There's nothing that can really be done. I talked to this stupid nurse sho crushed all my hopes, and told me there's never been anyone who has been cured. They may not have symptoms, she said, but they're still losing brain matter. I said, no symptoms would be good enough for me, but really it isn't. I'm damn pissed that the one lesion I have has only gotten bigger and will only keep getting bigger. It's one that doesn't turn off, ever. So now I have a golf ball sized hole in the left side of my brain, my logical side, and that's grown over a year and a half to two years. What am I going to be in five years? If it's slow, I may not have too many symptoms right away because other parts of my brain can learn and take over, but there's only so much brain to lose, so much brain that can learn what other parts did. And that crap about us only using 5 to 10% of our brains is Bull.

I got this stupid shit in the mail too. It said, "[God] never gives us more than what we can handle." Horseshit! How do those stupid asses explain suicide then? I think it's our right. We live for ourselves, not anyone else, and if we are living for someone else, so that they don't get sad when we die, how twisted is that? The jerks who are keeping a person from making the decision that should only have to do with themselves, should feel ashamed.

"Everyone has their cross to bear." Sure, yes, I agree, everyone who lives has a lot of hell to deal with. If a person can be happy, that's amazing! Excellent for them. What if a person is thrown a cross to bear every time they turn the fuck around? What if they lived through hell as a child thinking things would be better once they left hell, only to find that every time they thought they had something good, it was a damn mirage. A soul mate who loved being with me, long over-due health that I wrote about only just last Sept., a house, a garden with nice black dirt, a cute little bird that talked like crazy, aaaall gone. I'm just doomed. Where's the yin/yang I heard about as a kid? I thought life was supposed to be balanced. It doesn't seem to be.

I'll be better soon. I just have to start writing all the things I'm grateful for in a little diary. I will. Should probably start today.
  • Current Mood
    depressed like I live in fucking hell